Dork Fest 08

So MK5000 is holding his annual Dork Fest. I don’t think I really hold any chance of winning but in the spirit of self inflicted public humiliation I decided to make my post and fly my dork flag.

Compulsive Tendencies

I believe that to be truly dorky you must have a compulsive tendency or 30. So mine in no particular order are

I don’t ever use the first toilet stall in a public bathroom unless it is the only one available.

Spreadsheets are my friend I love them in a way that is sick and wrong. I make spreadsheets for everything. The finances, the Christmas budget, the Christmas card list, grocery shopping list.

I am already making my Christmas cards. One can never start too early.

Before I started doing the spreadsheet for groceries I actually wrote it out in order of how I would go down the aisles. If someone wrote out the shopping list I would have to rewrite it so it was in the correct order. Needless to say this caused great stress when I moved to England and had to learn the aisles.

It actually irritates me that they do no keep all of the dairy items in the same place in English grocery shops. Milk is on one aisle all other dairy is two aisles down.


Public Transport Dorkiness

I can’t sit on the window seat I must be on the outside.

I prefer to ride backwards on the train.

I figured out where each person joining a train carriage would need to sit to give the most people, the most amount of space, for the most amount of time.

I can tell you what time each train leave my station between 5.15 am and 9am M-Sat

I can name all of the stops on the Central line in Zone One both going from east to west and west to east. On the topic of the tube it is my ambition to ride each of the lines before I leave England. I am down to three I have not ridden. One is suspended until 2012 for works.

I actually know where to stand on most of the Tube platforms to be closest to the exit when I get off at the desired station. I weigh this with knowing where the least packed carriages are going to be at any given time of the day and choose depending on my mood to be close to the exit and being crushed alive during rush hour


Just plain weird

I read really weird books like a dissertation on Eleanor of Aquitaine when I was a teenager, or Ancient Pagan Religions of the United Kingdom

On the subject of the United Kingdom I can explain to you the difference of British Isles, The UK, and Britain. I also have a grasp on the whole Common Wealth thing.

In the tradition of Tom Leher and Weird Al Yackovich I make up song parodies when bored, drunk, or a mixture of both. My most recent was a parody of Queen’s I Want to Break Free to explain to my husband how much I needed to use the toilet at that very moment. This was followed by a parody of Under Pressure to explain just how my bladder was feeling

When choosing a name for my cat it was a toss up between Hemmingway and Faulkner. Both based on my love of short stories I had to read in my Expository Writing class in 10th grade. Yeah I know the writing class did not help you don’t have to point it out.

When I realized I could not do Soduku I bought a book to learn

I can now curse in American and British sign language and this gives me great pleasure because my victims have no idea what I am saying. Yes they are two separate languages if you want me to explain the whole thing to you leave a comment.

I watch Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Jericho, Heroes, and Doctor Who. Not only that I plan my life around when the last two will be on TV. If for some earth shattering reason I can not be home to see them I set up the VCR to record them.

Okay this is really embarrassing, I also watch Stargate SG1. I have not kept up with it since I moved to England but I watched it religiously when living in the US. I will however lie if anyone asks me outright.

My goggle reader must be organized at all times. I have more folders than can be imagined, because I can’t handle the cupcakes sites being in the same folder as the normal cake sites.

Socially I always turn up to the event wearing the wrong thing.

I own no heels over 3in high, um well my wedding shoes were but really when am I ever going to wear them again.

I actually really like comfy shoes like Clarks, Birkenstocks, and Doc Martin. I compete with my best friend to find the most comfortable shoes. I wore Dansko clogs before they were cool with Geeks, Nerds, Dorks, and the hippy crowd.

I practice saying what coffee I want to order from Starbucks before I go in. I actually contemplate which ingredients should be listed first but when I get up to the counter I open my mouth and stutter. If you are wondering it is a grande skinny latte with only one shot of espresso and sugar free hazel nut syrup. Why oh why does it never come out that easy?

There were only three grades in my world while in high school A which was the only one worth having. B did not work hard enough. C I must be a freaking retard because in my world that was failing.

I have an odd habit of saying commonly used phrases like she was raked over the coals wrong. In afore mentioned examples it came out she was raped over the coals. This has become somewhat of a game with friends where we make up new phrases such as if a “Is a bear Catholic?” and “Does the Pope shit in the woods?”


So as I said in the beginning I really don’t think I am a Dork, probably closer to a Freak or OCD. Well I will just have to wait for OCD Fest 08.

Hope on over to www.michael5000.blogspot.com to see the entries. I am voting for Rebel (only because I think she is cool in a dorky kind of way) and Rex because well he seems a little jaded he did not win last year.