Peace

My Dearest Jasper,

You might one day have a look at this blog and notice that the first couple of years of Joss's life (and even my pregnancy) I blogged about at great length. I haven't for you, I just want to explain a bit.  From the moment I found out you were to be a part of our life I was selfish, you were mine and I didn't want to share you.  We didn't share the news of my pregnancy for a long time and then only with a few people for a very long time.  It was a hard pregnancy because of the gallstones and there was a point we were not sure if we were going to have to decide to have surgery while I was pregnant with you. It was scary, really scary.  Once the decision had been made to not have surgery and to see how far we could get with you before intervention was needed it was still scary but there was peace.  You brought me so much peace the whole time.  Every gallstone attack I had as the pain subsided and I would feel you kick it brought me peace. When I ended up in hospital to be monitored for liver numbers that were off the chart due to gallstone issue and they monitored your heart rate the sounds of it brought me peace. Each week that passed and we got closer to full term I breathed a little sigh of relief. While it all happened I didn't have the strength to write about it and share it. I didn't want photos every week, I was so worried I might not hold you in my arms one day that I didn't want photos of the whole process just in case.

So many other things were happening and it was not the happiest time in our lives and yet through it all I always had you. Your name was chosen long before you were born (I had already chosen it long before daddy agreed) and knowing it was such a lovely thing.

Then you came and you brought me so much peace, your labour and birth with no complications or intervention healed me from the small things of your sisters birth I questioned. Your chilled and relaxed attitude to life showed me that so many of the things I worried that I did wrong with Joss I hadn't she was just a different baby.

You fit right into our family

Still I found it hard to share you with the rest of the world, not because I love you more than Joss, or the other way around I loved Joss more so shared more about her.


I don't believe what you do for one child you have to do for your others, but I do believe that you should do you best to meet you individual child's needs to the best of your ability.  I hope that your needs will always be met.

It was probably wrong you won't have something to look back on one day when I am gone and for that I am sorry I hope you will understand. Your milestones have been no less celebrated.

I love you with all of my heart.

Mummy